I was hesitant about coming back here, yet here I am.
It seems as though right after you miscarry everyone you know is pregnant. Like the whole world is plotting against you. I had a lot of rough days, nights and weeks. Focusing on myself really helped. Being kind to my body and allowing myself to feel hurt, sad and disappointed. I went through a phase where I thought I didn’t want to ever have a baby. That quickly dissolved as every cute squishy baby I see makes me melt into a puddle.
We have been talking and decided as of early next year we are going to start trying again. Reason being we have a European vacation planned and I want to be able to drink all the wine in the world. How very selfish of me :) Right now we are focusing on each other, planning, saving and all that good stuff.
I am glad to be back. It just validates to me that I am ready to get past this and look towards the future.
I had a pretty awful night last night full on cramps and heavy period like bleeding with small amounts of tissue around 11 pm. Cried my face off all night into the morning hours. Doctors appointment was today. Lots more heavy bleeding and larger amounts of tissue. They did a pelvic exam and Vaginal ultrasound. Which wasn’t bad as I thought it would be considering how much I was bleeding. I had already passed the sac and my endo is still thicker than she’d like. I am continuing to bleed steadily. For the most part everything looks like a normal early on miscarriage. They want to watch my lining and make sure it thins out and If not they might want to do a D&C. I had labs drawn to check my hormone levels and get my blood type. I go back Friday for a re-draw and then follow up pelvic exam next week depending on my bleeding. The doctor was really thorough and explained everything to me and even hugged me in the end.
This has been the worst experience of my life. I can’t even tell you. I remain in good spirits though. I already did all my crying and don’t want anyone to feel badly for me. As long as I am healthy and know I did absolutely nothing wrong I will be fine. These things just happen. I am so relieved that I actually am able to get pregnant on my own after years of believing otherwise. This was our first time and we were kind of shooting in the dark. I am seriously in awe of women who miscarry and do it all over again and again and again. I know I am strong enough to get through this but I can’t possibly comprehend having to deal with heart ache of this magnitude over and over. We will be trying here again in a few months once I have healed and decide I’m emotionally ready for this. I know it was only a clump of cells full of our DNA but I loved it from the moment that test said pregnant.
Thank you all for your support and love. To those of you who are pregnant I wish you safe, healthy and happy pregnancies with beautiful fat healthy babies.
Xoxo,
K
The bleeding came back this morning with some twinges of pain. It is a slightly darker pink but thank the lord not bright red.
I know they are telling me this is normal but I am having a really hard time with this.
Whenever you think of blood+very early pregnancy you automatically think it equals bad.
The blood went away before lunch but came back after I decided I really needed off this couch and out of the house. I went to get some cupcakes as a little treat for M and I tonight, had lunch and was planning on going to the grocery store to get some ginger ale and crackers. I went to the store and immediately had to leave.
I don’t think I will be able to relax until my appointment tomorrow.
All I can do is take care of myself. None of it is my fault.
I just want everything to be ok in there.
My bleeding has stopped.
Thank GOD.
I can’t tell you how relieved I am.
I feel like a huge weight has lifted off of my chest. Now I just gotta make it through one more day until my doctors appointment.
I don’t actually like the doctor I am going to on Weds. I am already established in her office and she is going to discount my ultrasound and visit significantly since I do not have insurance yet. This is just to make sure everything is going ok in there. I plan on checking out midwives and birthing centers to continue my prenatal care very soon. I have a very good reference from one of my good friends who I am really excited about checking out. I think she only does home deliveries. I am not really sure how I feel about that yet but will make my decision once I have done some more studying. It will be way less expensive than going to a hospital. (which I do NOT want)
Oh also. I have discovered that Jalapenos and my pregnancy are not friends. This makes me really sad. Who eats nachos with out Jalapenos???
I started spotting yesterday after sex. It turned from pinkish to light reddish orange to a clear reddish (not bright red). It has been slowly leaking since last night. A panty liner seemed to catch it and its more watery than blood. I had a few cramps but nothing like period cramps.
I called the doctor this morning and they assure me that this is totally normal but I am freaking the eff out. I have an appointment on Weds. They told me if I have period like bleeding and worse than period cramps to call immediately.
So I am sitting here trying to remain calm and tell myself that this is ok and that I will have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I am eating my breakfast, drinking water and I even took my prenatal while trying to ignore this leaky happening down below.
Nobody ever tells you about this stuff! You know about spotting but nobody has ever told me that bleeding in the first trimester is normal!
This shit is scary!
